Wendy's Recovery

Sept. 14: Dealing With Anger and Helplessness

I'm still processing what might be. I'm sure others would say to me that it's not worth worrying over something that may or may not come to pass. Sorry, that's just not my style. I need to process the ramifications of not starting to walk before Oct. 20. If I start before that, so much the better, but I need to think it through now.

Actually, although I have already come up with a few practical coping strategies, my first order of business is dealing with anger and helplessness.

ANGER: Before the problem with my hip replacement was identified, I was consumed with anger at my surgeon. I had gone in for surgery to correct a problem and come out with a much more severe disability. I felt pure, unadulterated, raw hatred towards my surgeon. I felt that in large part it was his arrogance that was to blame for what happened to me. As soon as the surgeon acknowledged the problem and apologized for causing it, both he and I changed our tunes. He showed great professional concern for my situation and impressed upon me that he was fully committed to correcting the problem. I, in turn, felt much more positive towards him and relatively confident that he would keep his promise. As soon as the second surgery was over, however, he reverted to type. He flew in and out of the room, taking just enough time to admire his handiwork and admonish me to not break any of the post-op rules. When I raised the issue of excruciating pain in my knee several times, he became downright surly. His last words to me on day 6 or 7 post-op were, "I don't know what [the knee pain] it is. It'll go away." With that, he left the room. I have not seen him since. My next appointment with him is in 8 days.

HELPLESSNESS: In response to my faxed question concerning weight bearing after six weeks, the news is that "probably" I will have to wait another four weeks. Concretely and medically speaking, I am at the mercy of the surgeon. His decision is what counts and I certainly cannot decide alone to go against it. He may very well be correct in his assessment, but in comparison to almost every other surgeon I have heard of, he seems to be vastly more conservative. In a perfect world, I would ask another surgeon to review my file and give his/her opinion. In this imperfect world, that option is a serious non-starter.

So I am faced with how to overcome the feelings of anger and helplessness and learn to live with, rather than against, my non-weight bearing status. I think that I need to get out of the house--to sing for the High Holidays and eventually to go out and work a few days over the next month. Money is not an overriding issue, mental health is. I have to establish whether sitting or hopping (as opposed to lying down) for a full business day is a viable option. I have just left a voice-mail message for my physiotherapist asking her to call ASAP. Voice-mail is the black hole of our society. We'll see if she calls back.

That's it for now.

posted by WRG @ 10:30 a.m.